|Professional Wrestler Finds God
With the number of lewd gimmicks in professional wrestling today, it's nice to see that at least one grappler has seen the light. Pro wrestler Al Sarven, better known as Al Snow, now comes to the ring carrying the head of God.
"I don't know where he got it from," WWF owner Vince McMahon stated. "He just showed up one day carrying the head of the Almighty. I knew it wasn't a fake when Val Venis and Mark Henry entered the priesthood almost immediately."
The head can still talk, but apparently, Snow is the only one who can hear Him.
"What, you mean you can't hear him?" Snow asked us before scolding the Lord for talking during his interview.
The whole thing has had a surprising impact on the fans. At the beginning of Snow's theme, he says, "What does everybody want?" to which the fans scream, "God!"
"I had no idea the WWF was capable of sending such a positive message," TV Guide and New York Post columnist Phil Mushnick said recently. "Thanks to Al Snow, the WWF has taken a turn for the better. I hereby rescind anything bad I've ever said about the federation that my Lord works for. As long as He's on TV, I will continue to watch WWF programming."
Mushnick then proceeded to chant the Apostles' Creed. Indeed, God has proven to be a ratings grabber, as this past week's WWF Raw Is War gained a full ten rating points. It demolished rival WCW's audience, and made hush puppies out of Monday Night Football.
In fact, Raw's only competition seemed to be Ally McBeal. Even God can't draw in an exclusive television audience, it seems.
However, not everyone is happy with God's newfound success.
"Man, I'm tired of that churchie stealing the spotlight," Satan, the Prince of Darkness said.
"I was so close to making a deal with Vince to continue his domination of the industry, as well as television and pay per view appearances by me, in exchange for his soul, ha, ha, ha... but I digress. That goody-goody beat me to the punch again. How does he do it to me every time?"
"I'm not happy wit dis at all," said WWF Superstar The Godfather. "If dat head starts talkin', a lotta us boys are gunna be in trouble, me 'specially. Dat voodoo thang from a few years back ain't gunna score me no points neither."
At least one WWF employee is optimistic. "Finally," said former WWF Champion, The Undertaker, "a worthy opponent."
Although Snow and God seem to see eye to eye on camera, Snow revealed to us that they are having domestic quarrels off camera.
"He jabbers at me about giving in to sin constantly," said Snow. "He's persistent, deceptive, and eats all my peanuts on our flights. He's also making too many demands. He said if he didn't get his own dressing room and a bigger on camera role, he was going to file for sexual harassment against the company. Take it from me, never work with a deity if you can avoid it."
Be that as it may, it makes great entertainment. For more about Al Snow and God, visit www.alsnowandgod.com, where they each have a bi-weekly column, and take every oppurtunity to answer fan mail.