|What does everybody want? Head!
As I walked into my local WAL-MART, showing smiles back to those happy teenage/disabled workers and those cute yellow smiley faces, I felt something was amiss. I could feel an unusual sense of evil coming from the store. This is not the WAL-MART that I've grown to know and love. Something must be done! And off I went.
I followed the feeling around the store, through clothing, past the in-store McDonalds, through the house-ware section, but still no luck in finding the source of this bad vibe coming over me. Wanting to give up, I tried to distract myself and forget about it. However, while I was busy looking for a decent gun to buy, the feeling rushed back into my head like a bad trip.
It wasn't the guns, obviously, so I trotted on down to the music section. Who knows, maybe someone had slipped a Marilyn Manson CD into the rack, or there was a CD that could offend my son, which he could easily buy and be corrupted for life...of course that's after I'm done growing up, find that girl of my dreams, go on a few dates, marry in a drunken haze, have a few kids (gotta get enough pumped out to get a boy, simply 'cuz I said son before - yes, I'm making this hard for myself, I know) and then he grows up and gets the money to buy that CD.
But after checking every CD, I found that there was not one single swear to be found. Of course, I didn't even bother to check the message, as no one has a message in his or her songs today, though the loose use of the word "f--k" and "sh-t" are ones that can easily destroy our youth. Oh, and if you're one of em youth people, then I hope you didn't see those two words.
But anyway, no evil there. Most mild mannered citizens would have given up by now. Maybe I just had gas (wouldn't be the first time that I have mistaken digestive mishaps for an ever-present evil). But, seeing as I wasn't feeling too mild mannered that day, I continued my search. That is, until I reached the....TOY SECTION! (Insert dramatic music and/or thunder & lightning effects here).
I walked past army figures, anatomically impossible Barbie dolls, yes, even Ken and Skipper & whatever you may have. I was slowed by the furbies, merely to sit and listen to the subliminal messages about loving my God and myself (I had missed 5 minutes of mass the other day so I felt obliged to do so - and then I watched a preview of Dogma, so that needed some repenting..) and then I passed through the Teletubby section, luckily seeing no purple Teletubbies.
The feeling of evil grew and grew as I passed countless means of imaginative destruction and sex, until the evil overtook me and I felt it give me a swift kick to the groin.
When I woke, body pressed against the cold, sterile floor, I looked up to see an Al Snow wrestling action figure staring at me. In one hand, a steel chair. In the other, HEAD! Suddenly I felt comfortable, that everything would be okay. But then it struck me again. This feeling of evil, I knew where it was from in that second. It was Al Snow! The mannequin head in his hand did not represent the mannequin head that he carries to wrestling matches. It was not the same mannequin head that he talks to and befriended. No, in the real version, it may fly that way, but once someone moves into action figure form, everything goes wrong. Now, that mannequin head was obviously representing a non-mannequin head, i.e. a real woman's head (or perhaps a real Barbie head, which may be worse..) While one would think that the action figure was aimed at those WWF fans who watched wrestling and knew the whole story behind Al Snow and Head, and knew that it in no way was it a sign for children to beat any girlfriends to come and possibly decapitate them and then stuff their head in order to carry it around like a trophy. No, everyone who would buy this item would have no idea about Head and it's meaning, and thus would have no choice but to see it as a sign from the man upstairs and go and beat any girl that comes within 5 feet of them. I could easily see that in this new form, it was action packed with marital abuse and a need for male dominance.
So, are you as mad about this situation as I find myself to be? The last thing I need right now is to have an uncontrollable desire to beat the nearest girl so badly that when the ugly stick comes and takes a few whacks on her then she starts to look better.
But what's my point in this story? Well, I could tell you, but as my writing workshop teacher is all into the reader finding the deeper meaning on their own, I shall do the same (if you haven't picked it up in the overly sarcastic story above..) by adding a lil' test to the end of this. Interactive column, wow, this is indeed something special. From taking what you hold to be true, please respond to the following questions by emailing me at email@example.com.
You have 30 minutes. Cheating is allowed, only if you do it well. Explain all answers. Begin now:
1. If purple fur didn't make Grimace gay, or Care Bears gay, then what makes a purple Teletubby gay?
2. 3. Furthermore, in geometry class, if one was to take a test with a purple pen and then had to draw a triangle, would that: a) make the student gay for drawing it b) make the teacher gay for making him draw a triangle c) make the pen gay for having purple ink d) make the test gay e) make the test a pro-homosexuality statement or f) mean nothing at all?
5. Is a gay children's character a bad thing?
7. If a child/teenager sees a store clerk undress a mannequin, does that send the message of "It's alright to rape thin, flawless, and perhaps plastic women who have detachable limbs and often have a pole up their ass?" or does it make the child say "Hrmm, for only $5249.00 I can buy myself a RealdollĘ and do that at home! And they have a new Asian head...mmmmm"
9. If a child sees a wrestler/entertainer befriend a mannequin head on TV, then will he see them as enemies once both are in action figure form and thus feel a desire to beat women? Or will a child buy it and not go through the trouble of ripping the heads of his sister's dolls and be able to play with the head while proudly boasting that it's not a doll in his hand, but an action figure.
11. Are you one of them silly die-hard WCW fans? I hope not...
All scores will be emailed back to you within a week, include your name and state for the top scorer's list. Come on, everyone will think you're cool. Low scorers will be mocked into oblivion. Thanks, see you next class kiddies.-Mike Brady