|Al Snow on midgets, Steve Blackman and being a Champion
by Mike Pachuta
Only Al Snow could talk about midgets, penises and the Big Show's underwear in one conversation. As anyone can imagine, it was one hell of a conversation.
It would be nearly impossible to describe what happened while Al and I spoke. Instead, what follows is the actual transcription of what we talked about.
Al Snow (concerned about not being prepared for the interview):Mike: Are these going to be hard and deep and probing questions? WWF.com: They could be, but that depends. What kinds of questions do you like more, hard, deep or probing?
Al: As hard and deep and probing as you can get. Mike: Well then...let's start with you becoming the European Champion...
Al: The Europenis Champion, yes I am.
Mike: Well, you are bringing a whole new dimension to the idea of being the Europenis Champion, dressing in native outfits, changing your music to European-style music...was that your idea?
Al: Well, not really. It was one of the writer's ideas, and you will probably find him missing one day.
Mike: Hurt badly?
Al: Severely...for making me dress up in those different outfits. I myself thought the German idea would have worked better if I had carried the bratwurst in my pants. But I was alone in that idea.
Mike: Are you enjoying it, making fun of the Europenises?
Al: Yeah I like it. But I'm not making fun of the Europenises out there, the citizens of Europenis. I'm not making fun of them at all. I actually think I'm giving them a sort of pride, a sort of civic-mindedness that they can carry out. I mean, let's face it, Europe's pretty beat down right now and they need a guiding light of hope and truth and justice...and that guiding light is me.
Mike: I was just wondering if you could tell me how many citizens are there in Europenis?
Al: (after thinking for a few minutes): Well, that depends on what toilet you sit on. And if they have matchsticks that they can use to pole-vault up out of.
At this point in the interview, Scotty Too Hotty walked up to Al.
Scotty: Hey Al, have you gotten those test results back from the doctor yet?
Al: No, I haven't, Scotty. But you will be the first to know when I do, since they concern the both of us.
Scotty: Thanks Al. I hope all turns out OK. I miss our "special times".
Scotty walked away.
Mike: Now humor is very important to you...
Al: It's a dark humor, actually, and a lot of people don't understand that. It's kind of like watching a guy, and I'm not making fun here or putting anybody down, but it's like standing in line behind a guy who had Tourette's syndrome in McDonald's ordering a sandwich. You know you're not supposed to laugh. I think I've proven over time that I am the most unpredictable, unexplainable WWF Superstar there is. I have done more things in the context of professional wrestling - I'm sorry, sports entertainment - than anybody else has, and more unusual things in the context of sports entertainment that you would not expect to see. I try to put the "entertainment" into sports entertainment.
Mike: So you like doing these unusual things, obviously...
Al: Yeah, yeah I do. It's great. It's fun for me to be psychotic and crazy. We've basically taught the fans to expect anything, so in that respect, I can really do anything. I can be serious; I can be completely off the wall. If I have an idea like dressing up as different countries, people don't just poo-poo the idea. Simply because it's me, they say, oh, it makes sense, it's Al.
Mike: One thing we've seen is you teaming with Steve Blackman in the past.
Al: Ah, yes...Captain Charisma. I'm sure when you talked to him, you were on the edge of your seat, like the audience in a wrestling arena does. Only the audience goes past the edge of its seat and gets up and leaves
Mike:Did you have any ideas to help him bring his character out?
Al: Yes. Actually, Shane McMahon, Edge and I were just discussing this with Steve, where he can come out and be not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that, but a gay rights activist. He can stand up for the rights of gays everywhere, but he's not gay. But you really don't know if he's not gay. And then the term "Lethal Weapon" really is a double-entendre. So does "Silent Assassin". He could have a rainbow ribbon tied around his kendo stick. I really think it would work.
Mike:I've heard you may be interested in training some wrestlers in the future.
Al: Well, you never know, I could start an army you know. I could march on Europenis and take over the entire land. Actually, with an army of midget Europenises, I might be able to take over the world.
Mike:Recently, you re-enlisted a Naval Officer in Seattle. How did that go?
Al: In all seriousness, it was a very big honor. To go and to actually see the submarine was amazing. It was really something to take the tour and to find out how truly powerful we are as a superpower and to realize that, if they [the sailors] wanted to, they could actually kill everybody in the world. When you hear the politicians say, "Our military is weak, we need more money," they are lying If we have 10 of those submarines with 24 cruise missiles and they can shoot them 4,000 miles and basically can target your backyard, I don't think we need much more than that.
Mike:So you had a good time?
Al: Yes I did. All the sailors, the whole Navy...it was really great. I wish I had more time to go further through the sub and see more. It was very impressive and incredible. The technology and the manpower were amazing. I mean, these people go out and go underwater for literally 105 days at a time with no communication with the outside world. It's incredible that somebody would be willing to volunteer for that.
Mike:It's no secret that you and Mick Foley have a good friendship. Mick's book is out in paperback, and he also has a Christmas book on the way. When can we expect a book by Al Snow?
Al: I don't know, but I do just want to make one thing clear - if it had not been for myself and for Mick Foley's penis, he would not have had a book to write. And if it were just his penis, it would have been a very short story.
Mike:How do you think Mick is doing as the Federation Commissioner? Is he being fair?
Al: Boy...that is a well that is a little too deep to go into. I mean, fair? Do I think he's doing well? I could go on and on about that.
Mike:So you're saying you would make a better commissioner than Mick Foley?
Mike:If you were commissioner, what would you do?
Al: Fire Mick Foley.
Mike:And then what? Al: Then I'd re-hire him as my assistant. Just so I could torture him. I'd make him do everything. I've got lots of toilets around the arena that need to be scrubbed, with toothbrushes. I've got to make sure the Big Show's underwear is clean; bacon strips are not attractive. Mick Foley would be the man. Mick Foley knows a lot about large men and their bacon strips.
Mike: Okay. We've got time for one more question. Is there anything that you've wanted to do in your career that you haven't gotten to do yet?
Al: Basically, I still have the same goals I had when I first started. They are to make a lasting impression on the business, have the kinds of matches that people remember and to make a decent living. I'm still working on those, but that's all I care about.