Action Figures Spur Controvercy

More Wrestling Action Figures Spur Controversy

By: Casey Tomten

The Wrestling world took another hit in the action figure department yesterday, as Wal-Mart has announced that they will pull a sloo of the popular wrestling related action figures. This is hardly a surprise, after an insane woman convinced Wal-Mart officials to pull the WWF's Al Snow doll because, as the woman put it, she didn't want head anymore. The statement was later changed by her lawyers to say that the mannequin head promotes violence towards women.

Vince McMahon, owner of the WWF, but not of his own soul, was vislibly angry. If this mass pulling goes on as planned, the millionaire is expected to take a huge financial hit. Or, maybe he's angry because Wal-Mart has decided to pull his action figure, for in Wal-Mart's own words, "teaching children that being a dirty bastard is okay."

He may have some unexpected allies, though, in WCW. Their entire line of "Grip-and-Flip" figures are slated to be banned from all sale, quote "The line in question lets kids believe that they can grab super powered magnets in their fists, and go one on one, flinging eachother around with those magnets." We all know that can be very dangerous. Ted Turner, owner of not only the WCW, but of Georgia as well, doesn't seem that angry at the move, because "Little does McMahon know, we've already had all of the Wal-Marts in the state ban the WWF figures."

Vince pretty much summed up what we are all thinking: "They're just action figures, people!" When Wal-Mart owners were given that simple statement, they all declined to give a counter- statement, and hid behind the massive collections of guns and live ammo that all stores carry in their sporting goods department.

Wal-Mart has produced a list of the figures that they intend to pull, and their reasons for doing so.

Billy Gunn figures- The package says Ass on it.

Val Venis figures- Kids can choke on small towel included in package.

Paul Bearer manager figures- Teaches kids that obescity is okay.

Undertaker Jakked- Use of shovel and fire extinguisher obviously illegal.

Kane figures- Teaches kids that they can hide behind masks all of their lives.

Goldust&Marlena 2Tuff- We don't know why, just thought it was controversial.

Titantron Music Player- Flashing lights discriminate against epileptics.

WWF Championship Belt- Kids may follow wrestler's examples, and hit others with it to score an illegal pin.

WWF Maximum Sweat- Turns out "Sweat" is really toxic acid.

Undertaker Door Hanger- Really scary

Roaddogg figures- T-shirt tells kids to do it doggystyle.

Mideon Figures- Because he's Mideon.

Another list like this is expected to pop up next week from the Wal- Mart offices.

The WWF is also upset that Wal-Mart's events will lead to a chain reaction with all of the other department stores. ShopKo, Target, K- Mart, and Big Jerry's House of Neat Stuff in parts of the upper northwest may follow in Wal-Mart's dumb lead.

"This is just not acceptable." raged McMahon. "They are raping the people, the fans. Wal-Mart is removing every man's right to buy an action figure of a man with a mannequin head if he wants to."

I guess that everybody doesn't want head, after all.